Position Ambiguity [was] Re: [aprssig] findu.com....

[Stephen H. Smith]

scott at opentrac.org wrote:
>  I once added the following to the standard government
> disclaimer on the login page for April Fool's Day:
>
> "Do not use while pregnant or nursing. Some settling of contents may have
> occured. Not to be used as an emergency flotation device."
>
>   

You should have used this one!   Can't remember where on the web I found 
this...

This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to 
real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where 
prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank 
number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use 
only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use 
while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid 
by addressee. Subject to CARB approval. This is not an offer to sell 
securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some 
viewers. Do not stamp. Not rated by the Motion Picture Association of 
America. Call for nutritional information. Use other side for additional 
listings. Printed on recycled paper. For recreational use only. Do not 
disturb. All models over 18 years of age. Prize not redeemable for cash 
value. If condition persists, consult your physician. No 
user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. 
To be used as a supplementary restraint system only. Always fasten your 
safety belt. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. 
Simulated picture. Do not staple or paper clip. Price slightly higher 
east of Alaska. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Do 
not X-ray. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For 
off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look 
alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors 
may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. 
Magnetic media, non-returnable if seal is broken. Formatted to fit your 
screen. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the 
American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep 
cool, process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. 
List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding 
order on file, unable to forward. Prolong exposure to vapors has caused 
cancer in laboratory animals. Not responsible for direct, indirect, 
incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or 
failure to perform. Keep away from children. At participating locations 
only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. 
Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. 
Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. ** - Phenylketonurics: 
contains phenylalnine. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. 
Place stamp here. Use only as directed; intentional misuse by 
deliberately concentrating and inhaling contents can be harmful or 
fatal. Avoid contact with skin. Road construction ahead. Open other end. 
Dealer participation may affect final price. May not be present in all 
tap water. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly 
endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the 
Mississippi. Park at your own risk. Employees and their families and 
friends are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed 
on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to 
ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted 
for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location 
stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. 
Keep away from fire or flames. See Uniform Code of Military Justice. 
Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. * 
- Indicates a low-fat item. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment 
shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Tax, 
tag, and title not included in advertised price. Not recommended for 
children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction by mechanical or 
electronic means, including photocopying, is strictly prohibited. No 
solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise 
specified. Avoid spraying into eyes. An 18% gratuity will be added for 
parties of 8 or more. Do not write under this line. Restaurant package, 
not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then 
pull down. For qualified buyers. Call toll free before digging. Driver 
does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product 
appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions 
on back of previous stub. Unit not labeled for individual sale. The 
following information is meant for general educational purposes only. 
Contents under pressure. Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T. No 
transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. All passengers 
must be behind the white line while bus is in motion. Package sold by 
weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. No shirt, no shoes, no 
service. No smoking, food, or drink. This article does not reflect the 
thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my family, my 
roommate, my friends, or my cat. Don't quote me on that. Don't quote me 
on anything. All rights reserved. You may distribute this article freely 
but you may not make a profit from it. Do not use near open flame. 
Management not responsible for loss or theft. Maximum speeding fine: 
$350. Terms are subject to change without notice. Illustrations are 
slightly enlarged to show detail. Any resemblance to actual persons or 
events, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental. We 
have kosher and non-kosher foods. Do not remove this disclaimer under 
penalty of law. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. Do not bend, 
fold, mutilate, or spindle. No substitutions allowed. For a limited time 
only. This article is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise 
restricted. Caveat emptor. Prizes are not redeemable for cash 
equivalent. All taxes become liability of the winner. Handicapped 
parking - tow zone. Product is provided "as is" without any warranties. 
User assumes full responsibility. An equal opportunity employer. We 
accept food stamps. Quantities are limited while supplies last. If any 
defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return 
to an authorized service center. Use at your own risk. Parental advisory 
- explicit lyrics. Text may contain explicit materials some readers may 
find objectionable, parental guidance is advised. Keep away from 
sunlight. You must be 54" tall to ride this ride. Disconnect spark plug 
wire before servicing. Keep away from pets and small children. Limit one 
per family, please. No money down. No purchase necessary. You need not 
be present to win. Some assembly required. Do not try this at home. 
Instructions are included. Action figures sold separately. No 
preservatives added. Shown with optional equipment. Slippery when wet. 
Product does not really fly. Coated with food-grade vegetable, beeswax, 
and/or shellac-based wax or resin to maintain freshness. This product 
contains olestra. Safety goggles required during use. For demonstration 
purposes only. Sealed for your protection, do not use if safety seal is 
broken. Call before you dig. Not liable for damages arising from use or 
misuse. For external use only. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling 
develops, discontinue use. WARNING: may cause cirrhosis of the liver, 
inflammation of the brain, heart damage, pancreatic damage, kidney 
damage, spleen implosion or explosion, thyroid combustion, severe nasal 
hair growth, blindness, eruptia, pregnancy, infertility, fecal 
incontinence, impotence, loss of genitalia and/or hermaphroditism, hair 
loss, skin blemishes, bone deformity, throat cancer, ulcers, hangnails, 
bladder leakage, sores, scabs, elephantiasis, hepatitis, conjunctivitis, 
gingivitis, appendicitis, bronchitis, and/or athlete's foot. Not 
recommended for children, adults, senior citizens, animals, insects, 
plants, or dead people. Use only with proper ventilation. Avoid extreme 
temperatures and store in a cool dry place. Sealed with printed foil for 
your protection. Keep away from open flames. Avoid contact with eyes and 
skin and avoid inhaling fumes. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store 
above 120 degrees Fahrenheit/ 49 degrees Celsius. Do not place near a 
flammable or magnetic source. Your email session may be monitored at the 
University's discretion. Smoking this article could be hazardous to your 
health. The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a 
condom. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. Use type 
GR927 battery. If ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms 
persist, consult a physician. WARNING: pregnant women, the elderly, and 
children should avoid this product. Discontinue use if any of the 
following occurs: itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremities, 
loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, 
profuse sweating, or heart palpitations. May stick to certain types of 
skin. Contains no fruit juice. Push down, then twist. Dry clean only. UL 
listed. Articles are ribbed for your pleasure. Possible penalties for 
early withdrawal. Offer valid only at participating sites. Slightly 
higher west of the Rockies. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. Must 
be 18 to use. Warranty does not cover misuse, accident, extraterrestrial 
impact, lightning, floods, tornadoes, solar flares, tsunami, volcanic 
eruptions, earthquakes, supernovas, hurricanes, other Acts of God, 
neglect, damage from improper or unauthorized use, incorrect line 
voltage and/or frequency, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or 
altered serial numbers, chemical reactions, electromagnetic radiation 
from nuclear blasts, sonic boom shock waves, customer adjustments that 
are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, 
Divine Intervention, extraterrestrial intervention, ship sinking or 
taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, explosive decompression, hard 
vacuum, dropping the item, falling rocks, falling anything, falling on 
rocks, falling on anything, caustic chemicals, napalm, leaky roofs, 
broken glass, magnetic fields, laser or other energy weapons, sub-atomic 
particle bombardment, emissions of x-rays, microwave, ultraviolet, 
cosmic, and/or gamma rays, mud slides, forest fires, or projectiles 
(which may include, but are not limited to, arrows, bombs, artillery 
shells, missiles, bullets, snowballs, hand grenades, buckshot, BBs, 
flares, shrapnel, liquid-filled balloons, torpedoes, knives, stones, 
spears, swords, maces, pikes, clubs, morning stars, etc.). Other 
restrictions may apply. WARNING: Federal law provides severe civil and 
criminal penalties for the unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or 
exhibition of copyrighted motion pictures and videotapes. (Title 17, 
United States Code, Sections 501 and 506.3). The Federal Bureau of 
Investigation (Title 17, United States Code, Section 506) investigates 
allegations of criminal copyright infringement. Title 17, United States 
Code, Section 506.) See local retailer for complete details.